Stop Being So Nice- It’s Not Helping Anyone: Leadership & Kindness for Authentic Impact

There is an old saying about what little girls are made of that includes the words sugar, spice, and everything nice. I know that the saying is outdated and perpetuates stereotypes about what little girls should be as opposed to little boys, who were supposedly made of snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails. While I could write multiple essays on the impact of this binary, gendered poem, today, I was struck by one word in particular: nice.

Sweetness is easy—true leadership goes deeper.

As children, we are often reminded to be nice to our siblings, our friends, to strangers. We are encouraged to thank the nice lady at the supermarket checkout or to wave hello to the nice man who just delivered a package. As we grow older, the idea of being nice remains ingrained in us, reinforced by sayings like, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

But here’s the thing: being nice isn’t the same as being kind. In fact, the two are often quite different, and I’d argue that as leaders, friends, and human beings, we should focus less on being nice and more on being kind.

Nice vs. Kind: The Key Difference

At first glance, nice and kind may seem interchangeable. But dig a little deeper, and you’ll find that niceness often prioritizes comfort and social acceptance, while kindness prioritizes genuine care and action.

Being nice is often about avoiding conflict, smoothing over discomfort, and maintaining a pleasant surface-level interaction. It’s saying “yes” when you want to say “no” because you don’t want to disappoint someone. It’s smiling through an unpleasant conversation rather than addressing an issue. It’s absorbing someone else’s emotions and prioritizing their comfort over your own well-being.

Being kind, on the other hand, is deeper and more intentional. It assumes empathy, critical thinking, and a solution-oriented mindset. Kindness is not just about making someone feel good in the moment; it’s about doing what’s best for them and the situation, even if it’s uncomfortable. Kindness might mean giving honest but compassionate feedback rather than telling someone what they want to hear. It might mean setting a boundary, even if it disappoints someone, because you know it’s what’s healthy for you and the relationship.

Nice Is Passive, Kind Is Active

Kindness takes courage!

Nice can also be a form of silencing. I recently decided that I needed to be kind in a professional situation where difficult decisions were being made. I approached the conversation with grace, compassion, and kindness. In the end, the preference was for niceness over honesty. But I still don't regret speaking up, because niceness in this case felt like a way to avoid necessary conversations. This experience made me realize that niceness can sometimes be a tool used to avoid uncomfortable truths, while kindness requires courage and integrity. It can be used to maintain the status quo, to discourage people from speaking hard truths, and to create an illusion of harmony at the expense of authenticity. When someone asks for niceness but resists kindness, they may be attempting to avoid accountability or difficult conversations. Recognizing this dynamic can help us choose kindness even when it’s difficult.

Niceness often involves passive agreement or people-pleasing. It’s a social default that keeps the peace but doesn’t necessarily foster growth. When we focus on being nice, we can end up suppressing our true thoughts, feelings, and needs to avoid friction.

Kindness, on the other hand, requires action and intentionality. It challenges us to think critically about what is truly helpful rather than simply palatable. A kind friend doesn’t just nod along when you’re making a bad decision; they gently challenge you, offering support and guidance. A kind leader doesn’t just ignore workplace tension to maintain harmony; they address it with fairness and empathy, ensuring a healthier team environment in the long run

The Leadership Implications

In leadership, the distinction between nice and kind is especially crucial. A nice leader might avoid giving constructive criticism because they don’t want to hurt feelings, but a kind leader delivers feedback in a way that helps their team grow. I once had a team member who was struggling with meeting deadlines, and while it would have been easier to simply reassure them and overlook the issue, I knew that wouldn’t help them in the long run. Instead, I had a direct but compassionate conversation about their workload, identifying specific ways they could improve. It was uncomfortable in the moment, but ultimately, they thanked me for the clarity and support, and their performance improved significantly. A nice leader might agree to every request, leading to burnout and inefficiency, while a kind leader knows how to set boundaries and make tough decisions with integrity.

Kindness fosters trust and respect. It creates deeper, more meaningful connections and ultimately leads to more authentic relationships—whether in leadership, friendships, or family dynamics.

The easy path is nice. The right path is kind. Which will you choose?

Choosing Kindness Over Niceness

So how do we shift from being nice to being kind? I remember a moment when I had to make this shift myself. A colleague once approached me with a project that they had poured a lot of time into, but I could see it had major flaws. My instinct was to be nice—to nod, smile, and offer vague encouragement. But instead, I chose to be kind. I gently pointed out the areas that needed improvement, offering specific suggestions while acknowledging their hard work. It was a tough conversation, but in the end, they appreciated my honesty and used the feedback to make the project even stronger.

1. Practice Boundaries – Recognize that kindness doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means respecting your own limits while still being considerate of others.

2. Be Honest, But Gentle – Speak your truth in a way that is compassionate and constructive.

3. Think Long-Term, Not Just Immediate Comfort – Ask yourself: “What is truly helpful in this situation?” rather than “What will make this easier in the moment?”

4. Lead with Empathy, Not Obligation – Don’t just do what’s expected; do what’s meaningful and right.

5. Recognize When Niceness is Used to Silence – If someone insists on niceness but resists kindness, ask yourself whether they are avoiding accountability or discouraging honest conversation. True kindness does not mean staying silent in the face of poor decisions or injustice. Don’t just do what’s expected; do what’s meaningful and right.

   
   

At the end of the day, kindness is what creates lasting impact. It’s what strengthens relationships, fosters trust, and allows both you and those around you to grow. So, let’s rethink what we teach our children, our teams, and ourselves-not to simply be nice, but to be kind.

Are you nice or kind?

• Nice-I keep the peace
• Kind-I value honesty
• Depends-Situation matters
• Mind Blown-Rethinking my Answer

TL;DR: Being nice is about politeness and keeping the peace, often at the expense of honesty and growth. Being kind is about empathy, integrity, and doing what’s best, even when it’s uncomfortable. Niceness can be used to silence or avoid accountability, while kindness fosters trust and meaningful relationships. In leadership and life, choosing kindness over niceness leads to stronger, more authentic connections and lasting impact.

Looks nice, tastes sweet-but kindness is what truly makes life richer. #ChooseKindness